Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…