HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!