Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I need this for my side hustle.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds