When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*praying for world peace*
God:
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty