Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
anyone else like Italian cereal
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”