We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.