Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
What
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.