Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Would you wear it?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.