If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS