There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.