[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You Might Also Like
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
incredible text to wake up to
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”