{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
You Might Also Like
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.