I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?