A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”