*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?