No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
do u think theres a butter planet?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
tis the season
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”