the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.