“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most