the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.