Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
a god among men
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.