A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You Might Also Like
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
s
oc
i
a
l
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too