Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.