[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks