Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no