[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.