The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
…..pretty much.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
lol
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.