Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Haha good job!!
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.