If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Safety first
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.