I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work