“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.