“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
What about a To-Don’t List?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird