Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.