Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?