Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
True statement👍😏😁
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Holy crap this is wonderful
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.