nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms