Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You Might Also Like
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly