What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Plant care tips