*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*