Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You Might Also Like
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Potatoes were such a good idea
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?