No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.