The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]