It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
We decided to have money instead of children.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer