Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Only Americans understand
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank