aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
lmfao come on
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!