Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.