The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
when there are deer in the woods
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.