I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
taking June’s advice to heart
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me, flirting😏
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.