My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
are there any atheist mantises?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
We’ve all been there
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*