I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.