GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“i miss shittin on people”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’m listening
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
bugs when you lift up a rock
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza